The first of a new tradition of senior reflections, to be offered by members of the graduating class.
Rooke, the Rock
Renee Rouleau ‘19
Rooke Chapel, 4/7/2019
For those of you who don’t know me, hi, I’m Ren, I’m a senior neuroscience major, and a Leo. For those of you who do know me, welcome back, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’m not a freshman anymore. I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m still a Leo. For both groups, I’m glad that I get to open you all up a little into my life.
When I came to Bucknell as a first year, which feels like forever ago, I had no idea what I was doing. I did so well in high school, I thought I was prepared for college. I thought that my major would be a piece of cake, because I knew so much (I was wrong about that on SO many levels). I thought that who I was going into college would be who I was coming out. Actually, it never really dawned on me that I would be graduating, until this spring. And that thought still makes me a bit nauseous. I went through orientation feeling okay about myself, okay about Bucknell, even though I was surrounded by a completely different atmosphere and a completely different group of people. I think the first part of being on edge was when my birthday came around during orientation, and my family not being there, and my friends certainly not being there. I had the people on my hall, but they didn’t know who I was as a person, they just knew that it was their hallmate’s birthday. That was when I first started searching for stability, and that was my first of a very ongoing conversation I had with God. At first, it was sort of a “why me?” attitude. Why couldn’t I make friends as easily as I could in high school? Why was I not thriving here from day 1, even though I obviously realize now that that would have been impossible to begin with. And this was all during orientation, continuing into my first week here. The next thing I remember about gaining some stability in my life was going to Rooke Chapel for the first time. First off, I was impressed by the atmosphere. I grew up in a fairly small Lutheran church in Baltimore, filled with people who didn’t really appreciate me or any of the youth. To them, we were more of a waste of space. So when I was welcomed with open arms and when during the peace the congregation wanted to get to know me, I was shocked and didn’t really know what to do. And then, when the Reverend at the time, Dr. John Colatch, made the effort to get to know me after the service, it shocked me even more. It felt like a church. It felt like the church environment I had always dreamed of. I never actually thought I would go back to church in college, especially considering I’ve never really had a Sunday off in my life, and such a negative experience back home. But this was different. I felt called to it, and I knew this was just the first answer that God was giving me. The next week, I decided to come back. This was the week I decided to join the choir, mostly because one of my friends jokingly forced me to. I decided to take the opportunity, and well, the rest is history there. I started attending Bible studies, fellowship dinners, and really trying to integrate myself into the Rooke Chapel community. It felt like an answer from God, that I would find community here, that I would find balance and love. And I did. I met my best friends through choir, started feeling like I had a home, and instantly my confidence shot up and my life got better. It never really occurred to me that a church could be its own community, but here I was, finally thriving.
Skipping to senior year, I had already felt like I had a home here, but that home changed a little. With all the upheaval of the semesters prior and all the new people in my life, I had to find balance again. This time, instead of wanting more noise, which I had plenty of, I wanted more quiet. Those who know me know that I came out of my shell a lot in four years, and really became true to who I am. I think that was a message from God too, that people would accept me for who I was, even the loud, obnoxious, and overly-prideful me. And if they didn’t, that was their fault. The church, in some weird way, helped to solidify that, as it brought me closer to new people and gave me more opportunities to be myself. I never felt that the community here disappeared from my life as some others have. However, God introduced me to better people, and more opportunities to shine, both in and out of the church. Even now, as I share my life with you, instead of feeling more closed off, I feel more empowered for people to learn through me. Learn what? I’m not sure, that depends on where each one of you identify. I haven’t given many things to identify with, but I’m sure that most of you will glean some sort of personal subtext from my testimony. Today, at the present moment, I still have conversations with God, but instead of “I want a community”, it’s more of “I need a job before I graduate”. So if anyone has any suggestions for a neuroscience major, let me know.
But I do still converse with God, especially now. There are so many more facets of my life than there were freshman year, and still a lot more conversations that I have to have. And Rooke Chapel, especially the community within Rooke, have been the voices from God telling me to keep going. You all are a part of this story, this narrative, that inspires me to stay, that keeps Rooke and God as the cornerstone of my life. And now, I’ve been luck enough to share my story and give thanks for it with all of you who have played such a pivotal role in my life. So thank you.
When Kurt first approached me about doing this, I had no idea what I was going to write about. I was just going with the flow, wanting to contribute in any way I could to spread my message. I hope I succeeded. I just knew it was going to be about my life, which I already love talking about. It wasn’t until last Sunday that for some reason, I woke up thinking of Matthew 7: 24-27. And no, I’m not a Bible guru, and I most certainly did not wake up saying “Oh I’m absolutely going to write about Matthew 7: 24-27”. That would just be ridiculous. But the one thing that kept coming through was the Rock of Christ. So after some light chat with Kurt, and a couple emails later, I settled on that verse and let it do the talking. For those of you who do not know the verse by heart, because I certainly don’t, It goes like this:
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Let me tell you, even in just four years, I’ve had a lot of rain come down and winds blowing against my house. But I’m still here and I’m better than ever. And I would like to think that’s because of the conversation I had with God several years ago, and the Rooke chapel community being my rock. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been the foolish man (or in this case, woman I suppose) several times. I’m not a saint. Although if anyone would like to promote me to sainthood I also wouldn’t be opposed. But, I would also like to think that I get back up after falling down because at least I have a rock to cling to. Sometimes I can be the wise man, when I remember to keep having conversations with God, and usually after a period of self-reflection after being the fool for a while, I do remember to keep clinging to the rock. The fellowship, the messages, and the community is something that keeps me coming back, and I truly want to thank and bless all of you for being in my life. I know that my conversations with God will continue for a long time after this, and I hope that you will now be included in those conversations.
As we near Holy Week and Easter, I feel as though there is going to be a rebirth for all of us, or at least for me, as there is for Christ. I feel the anticipation of graduation on the horizon, of finals week approaching for everyone, the nerves and the excitement of everyone moving on from this place or moving up in this place if you’re an underclassman. For those not in school, I feel that there is a period of renewal and growth. I challenge you to take time for yourself and for your own conversations, be it with each other or with the church, and inspire yourself to find this growth. I challenge you to find your rock, and to stand on it. If you have found your rock, I challenge you to expand upon it. I myself take this challenge, knowing that my work, my conversation, and building on my rock is far from over, or, perhaps, just beginning.